Monday, July 14, 2008

A prayer to Death

I am not sure what image will this one create in your mind about me...
I myself do not know why I wrote this one... it just flowed.

A prayer to Death
O Lord of Death
Please embrace my soul
For now there is no mission
I am left with no goal
That I have seen all the hues
Of the gayiety yellows and the bitter blues
That I have tasted the redolence
Of the thing,they call life
Doused in the romantic incense
With the venom of strife
That I've been through the crests and troughs
Spanned the moody plains and the roughs
while I wandered hither and thither
with memories,sweet and bitter

And now,I demand recluse
For this body is of no use
Take me, I plead to you hence
Away from tumult,in the eerie silence
where I am left with none
my echo,my sole companion
And my shadow,the only follower
In the woods, sans leaves forever
where the wind refuses to blow
And the sun declines to glow
For now,the curtain must go down
I need no other role
O Lord of Death
Please embrace my soul!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

At the CroosRoads....

2004 Anand Shankar 2004A7PS027 , BITS-Pilani
2008 Anand Shankar B.E.(Hons.) Computer Science, BITS-Pilani

The change in designation speaks aloud for itself- You are no more a student. It is time to enter into a new world, full of varieties of complexities accompanied with opportunities. It is time to face the real world.

Who can be more ecstatic than your parents who always envisaged you march on the way to a safe,settled and successful life, the three parameters which neither they nor you decide. Yes, they are happier to see themselves fulfilling these social measures, to see all the hard work and sacrifices they did for you paying off. Everyone in the family praising you for your efforts to get to this level, "the flower has blossomed to spread its charm". But nobody saw your subconscious, sobbing silently in a corner. Nobody ever bothered about what it wanted, not even you! Dumped deep inside the hopes and expectations, your conscience stopped feeling your heartbeats; This is what I am destined to. The spasmodic attacks about what you really wanted failed to convince you.

As I prepare to embrace the real world, I find myself at the crossroads. What do I really want? Am I mature enough to believe in myself and answer this question? More importantly, will this make me happy ? I commemorate all the good and the bad times as I try to seek the truth. I remember the times when I was five. When anybody asked what I wanted to be, I would answer in a blink- A doctor, the motivation behind it, my grandfather was a doctor. I remember how much I wanted to be a mathematician at 13-14, when I won several mathematics Olympiads. My college life saw drastic changes in my thinking, I dreamt of becoming a singer, another Mohammad Rafi or David Gilmour, practicing the same song for hours.At other times, I would see myself as a politician or an administrator dying to change the system and a philosopher too !. But,did I ever see myself as an engineer?

Some people are good at doing things, others are good at getting things done, no matter what things. Some other set of people are soft spoken and mild at most of the times, while the remaining seek power and attention at all times. Some are born talents, others develop skills. Whoever it be, I believe that your subconscious is always hinting at what you are. It reflects in all your actions, the difficulty lies in identifying it.And when you start realizing it, few more confrontations arise. You keep yourself at your parents' position-Is it wrong to guide your child to the most safe and protective path or is it wrong to expect your child fulfill your own dreams? The other end asks-Who is to be rewarded for what I am today or has to be blamed for what I am today? Which of the two views is ethically acceptable? Is it appreciable to fulfill your obligations to your family by following their designed road or is it selfish to make one of your own,possibly opposite to theirs?

Questions are many, answers rare. The only thing that looks real to me is your dreams. Whether you achieve them or not is a reflection of your realization. And once you recognize them, perhaps you find the correct roads yourself. I sign off with the hope of realizing my dreams soon.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Burying alive

"Bhool jaao mujhe..."

How easy is it to forget your dearest friends?
Your friends with whom you have lived the moments you would never be able to experience again, with whom you have fought over craziest of things and found happiness in even that, with whom you have shared the deepest secrets of your life...

How easy is it to forget someone who you have loved more than yourself?
Someone with whom you have seen the life of your dreams..someone who would take you to the land of the fairy tales where everything would be just perfect, that special someone whose voice brought smiles to your face and whose touches arouse all your sentiments.

How easy is it to forget people who have affected your life even in the slightest terms? . When someone dies ,you have no other choice but to forget them gradually, because you know they are not coming back,never. But the problems start when you are asked to bury them alive ! In spite of the fact that coincidences may occur when you can meet them again or they may get back to you sometime, you are asked to tell yourself that you never ever knew them................You meet as strangers, then you start finding solace and happiness in the strangers' company, you start looking into future; with some of them you share the moments that would last till the end of your life, yeah, they are no more strangers to you. You start believing that it was all God's conspiracy to bring you together, you actually never were strangers, it was just that your brains could not recognize each other, and then the souls talked, and talked to each other. Yeah, you were never strangers!

I have met many people complaining about the same thing, "Yaar, main use nahi bhool paa raha (I am not able to forget that person)." I always wondered what they really meant by not being able to forget the loved ones. Do the memories they had together haunt them? Does their faces flash off when they are all alone? What happens to me when I try to forget someone? As I prep myself for a new life, the new life, I try to find answers to all these questions, questions that have always remained unsaid and untalked. Well, no faces flash off in front of my eyes. No memories haunt me. But still there is something that makes me uneasy. As long as I am in company of others, I do not generally get reminded of them. Its only when I am alone that they come into my mind. Should I stop being lonely ? Should I always be engaged with somebody or something? That is so not possible. Will they be haunting me forever or will it stop after sometime? What should I do? Should I stop doing things that we liked to do together that made us happy? Should I stop singing/listening to the song that she liked so much or should I stop writing poems? I do not have the slightest of clues. But one thing that I know is that I should be ME. I think, the more we try to forget them the more they will haunt us. So,better not pretend that we don't know them. "Let it be like that...", I guess this may help overcome such memories. People will come and go, we have to live with that. Life moves On! I still do not know what it really means, but I guess I need to understand the same, yeah, Life moves On!

On the lonely streets we find them
Strangers, as they are referred to
We give our hearts to some of them
And also love, so precious and true
As it grows further, One fine day
"Forget me!", they say to you
And they leave your hands on the way
Fly away,they leave you blue....

Friday, April 18, 2008

Before I bid adieu.......

Farewells, farewells and more farewells....
Yeah, all to remind you, 'It is time to say Goodbye!' In the last 4 days, I attended two farewell parties, one by Maurya Vihar (by the juniors of Bihar and Jharkhand), another by Sangam,another cultural association. Both the farewells were nice, but I liked the former one more, the MV farewell, and I owe a few words to it.

The MV farewell was scheduled to start at about 8:15, though I had started the proceedings well before. Dressed in a white shining shirt and a black jeans with casual shoes, I was all smiles. I clicked a few fotos and gathered all my friends for the same.Finally, the moment arrived at 9:30 when I was escorted by all the friends and 2 juniors to the farewell. It was organized for me and my fellow student Shobha. The program started with the formal introduction and then Shobha's write up and souvenir giving.. And then as Raku(Rakesh Kumar) began with my write up, I started thinking of my seniors' farewells, where I would listen to their write ups with such attention and enthusiasm, I said to myself, This is my turn!:) .

The most exciting part of a BITSIAN farewell is the write up. We seem to know too much about ourselves, yet to hear what others have to say about us arouses excitement in us. Your best of the friends writing things about you and your college life, the incidents when you proved yourself to be the biggest fool on earth and you wanted to forget them so much, the memories of the stage performances that you will always want to be mentioned when people say about you, and most importantly, those minute things that remain unsaid. Everything said and said in plenty(read exaggeration) gives you the ultimate thrill :) . "He used to sit behind the girls and sing songs to impress them....." . "He used to copy assignments from others and get more marks than his fellow who wrote the codes themselves...." " He says the worst shayaris (2/4 line verses in Urdu/Hindi) , that too in the mess! " These are not things to be proud of, or to be very happy about, yet there is some sensation that crawls through your body when you hear them! Now you get to know, your friends certainly know about you a bit more than you do. You feel happy because somebody has observed something in you that you never bothered to. Every single word said about you sits into your heart.

The next part of the farewell is a the farewell speech. BITSIANS do not generally prepare any farewell speeches, they just say something (the something is not that attractive). So, I prepared a small farewell speech and memorized it very vaguely, after all I am a BITSIAN too :). I spoke things about the write up, the 4 years of my college life, and about MV. I also shared a few words about my friends. Finally, I thanked my faculty members, parents and everyone who had affected my life in some way. I wished to say a few words about 2 very special persons of my life, my soul mate and my love. But I did not, I don't know why! May be, I am waiting for a bigger platform, yeah, they are that close to me!

Then it was my turn to receive the memento from Prof Chandrashekhar. As exptected, I was requested (read it asked) to sing a song, but what came as a surprise was Prof Chandrashekhar requesting for Teri Dewani :) . I have no clue how many times have I sung that song! The dinner conclude with a delicious dinner, and then cracking foto session. Fotos with friends, was fun.One of my juniors said, "Bhaiya, aap senti kyun nahi ho rahe hain?" (Bhaiya, why are'nt you feeling sentimental?) ,he probably wanted me to be a bit sad.People think of farewells as a very sentimental program, but I don't know, I could not motivate myself enough to get my eyes wet.

As I wait for another two farewells, The Computer Science Association Farewell and the most awaited by any BITSIAN, the Diro's Party (The Director's Party to all the passing out students), I remember my seniors' words, 'Don't worry too much about things, just Live your life.' Now I understand very clearly, what they really wanted to say. Without doubt, college(hostel) life is one unforgettable experience for every student. You learn now only your courses, but far more than that. You learn about YOU. You make the best friends and sometimes, fortunately,you find someone special to carry on with further in your life. Now when its the time to say Goodbye, I feel myself chocked. I know I am going to miss every single bit of this place. Its air, its scorching heat and the bone chilling colds, the redis, the small kutti hostel rooms, Temple,Shivji,SKY,C'not, GYM G,ANC, SAC ...the list goes infinitely long.Above all, I will miss my friends :( . I would say just this : Once a BITSIAN, Forever a BITSIAN ....

Thursday, March 27, 2008

the first blog..

" Why don't you write blogs?"
I said: "What, NO!, you got to be too free to do that!"

I never knew then that I would be this free one day :) Anyways, this being my first blog, I am not that sure what to write here. But ya, those who are reading may be interested to know how I am so free. Well, we call it the PSENTISEM (the last semester of our college life),the name very appropriate to the sentimental semester. But, I still wonder why they put the 'P' before it? (this may show how bad I am at the BITSIAN,someone/thing related to BITS-Pilani, glossary). Continuing with the definition, Psentisem is that period of time when the BITSIAN gets the ultimate freedom of his life. I do not think you would be needing any more explanations of this term, an engineer(very soon :) ) writing blog is an ample illustration to it.

So, what actually do we do in the psentisem?

We prepare for the job interviews. Here is one vague description of how we do it. Open your favorite movie, open your notes in your lap, or the slides in another window of your desktop, go on with this for long hours. Miss at least one meal (if you miss your lunch,go to the redi else move on to c'not).Continue this for a month or so, and you get placed somewhere finally.

We watch movies.. "bullshit! Everybody watches movies." Well, we watch 3 (or even more) movies everyday,for 4 months, mostly back to back. It is the time when the Federers, the Sachins, the Ronaldos, the Padukones and many others get into their shoes. We play hard.. harder, may be with the feeling that we might not be playing like this ever again! One common thing among all wings is the swimming trunks and caps. Oops, did I miss the Thorpes?? Haha, we try our lucks in swimming too. The psentisem sees a sudden steep rise in the number of alcoholics and smokers. Don't be surprised to see the ghotus (those who have mastered the art of attending classes and preparing notes), after all, it is the psentisem da! :)

So when do we sleep?? I am not sure about it, but ya I can surely answer the "when do we get up" one. Normally, a psentisemite would sleep all his way till 12:30-1:00 noon, when due to the hangover of last night, or tumult of some wing enthu, he is forced to get up.He somehow manages to brush and go for lunch. Some class of psentisemites would get up somewhere around 9:25 A.M., rush to the MESS (of course, they do not have the time to brush), eat some stuff, and come back to bed to sleep through their lunch. There are always some pseudo members to every group, the psentisemite group is no exception. These pseudo psentisemites would sleep somewhere around 12:00-12:30 A.M. in night, get up at 8:45 A.M., fresh up properly and go to mess. They hardly skip their mess meals. They might be caught sometimes at c'not which is a very rare scene.
Trips are another aspect of the psentisem. 90% of the psentisemites visit their home place once in this semester,the % might fluctuate a bit. Every now and then, some group of psentisemites with large bags can be seen going for a wing trip.
And all those who do not do the above mentioned fall into yet another category of psentisemites. These are the ones, who do the Dance Workshop. The poor fellas, wake up checking their mails of the next DW session, and sleep with their MS Outlook on for the new DW mails. They skip all movies, they cannot play because they are shit tired due to the last day's session.They cannot got to trips because they would miss a few DW sessions. They dress up properly with scents and deos, in hope of getting a better looking BITSIAN partner in the coming session.

I might have missed some categories of the psentisemites, for which I owe no apologies.

I would write more in the next blog.